Jackie DeShannon soulful rendering of this song, written in 1965, transported listeners for a few minutes – to feel lighter, breath easier and to imagine the possibilities of love.  In the 1960’s, our nation was just beginning a large shift of consciousness that was felt in vast social, historical and political shifts.  As the negative emotion felt by the anger of change grew, some thought that increasing our ability and capacity to love was the answer.  However, back then, science had few tools for studying positive emotions like Love.  Instead this emotion found expression and calibration through artists and songwriters.

Fast forward to the 21^st century: our world still needs more love, more positive emotion expression.  Science can now observe and collect clear data on how we express positive emotions like love… the greatest positive emotion. Advances in science give scientists this opportunity -  neuroimaging of the brain, as well as the tools of medicine that allow us to measure neural activity and hormone secretion.One of the most exceptional social scientists on the scene today, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, a distinguished Professor from the University of North Carolina, has written a compelling, cogent and warm-hearted book, called Love 2.0, How our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything we Feel, Think and Do.  A gifted writer, she is able to interpret the hard data experiments that she and other scientists have done on the subject, interpreting and combining it with her own experiences, and at times poetical words to challenge us to consider a new definition of love: she calls it positivity resonance.

Love, she posits, is not just the stuff of lovers/married folks/parents and children…this emotion she renames “positivity resonance” can happen with strangers—even for a few minutes.  Dr. Fredrickson’s research show that love is connection and therefore is:

 “…The momentary upwelling of three tightly interwoven events: first a sharing of one or more positive emotions between you and another; second, a synchrony between your and the other person’s biochemistry and behaviors; and third, a reflected motive to invest in each other’s well-being that brings mutual care.”

A familiar example of what she describes as a “micro-moment of positivity resonance”: imagine waiting in an airport and casually telling a story with a stranger sitting next to you and, before you both know it you are laughing, even sharing similar life events, feeling lighter, more relaxed. Forgetting that the plane is 2 hours delayed, you are enjoying the brief exchange, where by the way, you not only make the time go faster, meet a kindred soul, but share a few traveling tips as well.  That Barbara Fredrickson says is love… or positivity resonance.  She has chapter after chapter of describing her own and other’s research showing changes in the brain, vagus nerve, respiration and one’s hormonal level during such positive emotion exchanges which gives proof of how love does indeed calm and connect us with ourselves and others.

So why is this important in living, relating and working?

We now know by Dr. Fredrickson’s own research as well as other research completed by Drs. Marcial Losada in mathematics and John Gottman in marriage – that there is a 3:1 tipping point of positive to negative emotion at which point, when experienced, people begin to flourish.  At work that means we then can begin to interact with co-workers creating higher team productivity, smoother communication and more successful client interactions.

This research shows that negative emotion narrows our awareness (“fight or flight”) and positive emotion broadens our perspective (“calming and connecting”) which results in more creative thinking and some studies show, a higher IQ after interacting with someone in a positive way.

In the workplace, this could mean: creative breakthroughs, more flexible problem solving, and increased resilient behavior that allows for a broader array of skills to deal with difficulty, disappointment and loss.  Dr. Fredrickson describes this as the ability of positive resonance to “unlock collective brainstorming power.”  She even outlines a meditation practice that leads you to “re-designing your job around love.”

The book also gives myriad resources and tools on practices to increase positive emotion, particularly borrowing from the Tibetan tradition of Loving Kindness meditation.

She has crafted a most informative website: www.positivityresonance.com which offers tools, videos and a series of mp3 meditations, in her own voice, that you can practice and a few from some more famous meditation masters like Sharon Salzberg.  As we strive to increase our positive emotion so that we can move toward flourishing in our work and life, Dr. Fredrickson’s book is a must read.

References:

Love, 2.0, Barbara L. Fredrickson, PH.D, Hudson Street Press, 2013

www.Positivityresonace.com – Dr. Fredrickson’s website on Love 2.0 that has many tools and meditations available for listening.

Fredrickson, B.L., Losada, M.F.,  “Positive Affect and the Complex Dynamics of Human Flourishing” American Psychologist, October 2005.  This article is available on a Google search.

Gottman, John.  Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, Simon and Schuster. 1994

Positivity in the Work Place

Research shows that when we can maintain a ratio of 3 (positive emotion) : 1 (negative emotion) in the work place we show up more able to make and maintain productive relationships, have more effective team interactions and more successful client interactions.  Maintaining this ratio is challenging given the negative bias of negative emotions on the brain: we are biologically hard wired to pay more attention to negative emotion.  Often stated: positive emotion is like “teflon” on the brain and negative emotion more like “velcro” on our brains.

So what to do?

These resources offer brilliant ways to practice increasing positive emotions and thinking to get to the tipping point each day at work of 3:1:

Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity, Three Rivers Press, 2009:  This book, now available in paperback, is written by an award winning social scientist.  Dr. Fredrickson not only explains her research but gives poignant examples from her own life of how she maintains positivity. The book also lists exercises and methods to practice daily to maintain the 3:1 ratio at work and in life. Also, check out Dr. Fredrickson’s website:  www.positivityratio.com to test your positivity ratio each day.

Lynn Johnson, Enjoy LIfe: Healing with Happiness-available on his website and on Amazon.  The subtitle of this book is: How to harness positive moods to raise your energy, effectiveness and joy.  Dr Johnson gives really practical suggestions to maintain the positivity ratio as well as clear descriptions of relevant social science research.

Barbara Fredrickson and Marcel Losada, “Positive Affect and the Complex Dynamics of Human Flourishing”, American Psychologist, October 2005. For those interested in reading the research data.

Martin Seligman, Flourishing  and Authentic Happiness. Dr. Seligman is considered the Father of Positive Psychology. He is a must read if you are interested in studying Positive Psychology and applying the findings to your own life. He posits that in order to flourish in life (and to increase positive emotion) we need:  Positive relationships, Engagement or flow, Relationships/social connnections, Meaning or Purpose  and Accomplishment in our lives.

According to a recent article in the McKinsey Quarterly, issued by management consultants McKinsey & Company, the first thing CEOs should do is something I agree with a thousand percent.  CEOs must make their organization’s transformation meaningful by making it personal, and they should do that through storytelling.

“People will go to extraordinary lengths for causes they believe in, and a powerful transformation story will create and reinforce their commitment. The ultimate impact of the story depends on the CEO’s willingness to make the transformation personal, to engage others openly, and to spotlight successes as they emerge,” say the experts at McKinsey, and they’re right.

I wrote a speech for a client some time ago that proves the point.  This gentleman had been named CEO of a company he had worked for all his life, succeeding a much younger man who had been brought in from the outside but who had passed away quite unexpectedly.  While the younger CEO had done a fine job improving efficiency and shareholder returns, he lacked interpersonal skills and internal morale had suffered.

The new CEO, conversely, having been such an old hand within the company, was well-known and even more well-loved.  He believed – truly believed – that when people came first, business results would follow.  And that message served as the central theme of the speech I wrote for him, as he addressed all employees as his first act as CEO.

He told stories drawn from the people who mentored him as a young man, those who worked alongside him, those who inspired him, and those who came to look up to him over time.  He tied these wonderful, warm stories to his vision of where he wanted the company to go.  He told the people of the organization he now led that he needed them to believe in each other the way he always believed in them.

And by the time he was finished, every one of those 2,400 people – whether they were in the same building, or watching via video across the company footprint – would have ran through a brick wall for him.

He made the transformation personal through heartfelt stories.  There’s no reason that CEOs in any organization, regardless of the challenges they face, can’t achieve the necessary transformations the same way.  It can’t be faked.  It can’t be half-hearted.  But when it’s done well, it can’t be denied.  A great speech delivered with conviction can transform people and organizations.

Reference:  Hayes, Tim, Jackass in a Hailstorm—Adventures in Leadership Communication,  2010 Transverse Park Productions, LLC.  This book is available on Amazon.com.  Tim is a Leadership Communication Consultant, Trainer and an associate in the Perla Group – Coaching and Consulting.

As a newbie to Facebook, I’m in the process of learning not only how to navigate these new waters of Walls and Friending and feigning interest in people’s toenail painting appointments, but also how to communicate business opportunities to heretofore untapped markets.

The universe of Twitter beckons as well, but my limit is one culture shock at a time, thanks.

One of the more fascinating aspects of these and other social media is the quicksilver development of language and novel abbreviations.  With three teenagers in the house, the fact that this is happening comes as no surprise.  Yet the sheer volume of newly hatched acronyms, homonyms, and synonyms leaves me speechless.  And I’m a speechwriter, 4COL (for crying out loud).

As a parent, I want to know what the kids are talking about out there to keep mine safe.  As a professional communicator, I want to know what language usages the world is embracing to keep my clients informed and protected, as well.  A recent article in The Wall Street Journal gives a very informed and informative rundown of this constantly evolving vocabulary, and quotes a media trainer as stating, “If a CEO does not appear to be tech-savvy, people may start to wonder, ‘Is the company not plugged into today’s technologies also?’”

I’m not sure the thumbs of CEOs with whom I work are furiously flurrying over their Blackberrys and iPhones with gems like KUTGW (keep up the good work), WRUD (what are you doing), or GBTW (get back to work).  Well, maybe that last one.  But the notion of remaining tech-savvy does ring true.

The only thing that never changes is the fact that everything changes.  Social media drives presidential politics, athletes bypassing the media and going straight to their fan base, heck, even Paula Abdul resigned from “American Idol” via Twitter.  What more proof does anyone need?

For now, I plan to dive back into my Facebook account and start swimming again, looking for fresh Friends who can lead me to vast new worlds of business connections.  My message to them?  PCM (please call me).

Copyright 2009 Tim Hayes Consulting

Reference:  Hayes, Tim, Jackass in a Hailstorm—Adventures in Leadership Communication, 2010 Transverse Park Productions, LLC.  This book is available on Amazon.com.  Tim is a Leadership Communication Consultant, Trainer and an associate in the Perla Group – Coaching and Consulting.

Retreat facilitated by Rosemarie Perla,  Executive Coach and Consultant

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

—Steve Jobs, Co-Founder of Apple Computers

Purpose of retreat: To give the business professional time out to consider vision and values related to their work life; to design how they want to continue contributing in their careers and in their communities.

When: Friday, April 8, 2011 starting at 1 PM to Saturday, April 9, 2011 ending at 5 PM.

Where: St. Emma’s Monastery, 1001 Harvey Ave., Greensburg, PA  (approximately 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh, PA)

Who: Business Professionals wanting to develop strategies for integrating personal strengths with their leadership skills and presence.

Cost $275.00 (registered by March 18, 2011) includes room, most meals and retreat materials,  $300.00 (after March 18, 2011)

Retreat held in Monastery Guest House.  First 10 registrants are guaranteed a room with private bath.  All other registrants will have private room with shared bath.

For more information, or to pre-register – Call or email Rosemarie Perla at the Perla Group – Coaching and Consulting: Rosemarie@PerlaGroup.com  or  412.621.7996.  Details to follow.  WWW.PerlaGroup.com

Theresa Amabile  Professor, Harvard University

Daniel Pink challenges and inspires in this visually brilliant video as he teaches us how to reconsider what motivates ourselves and ways to breath life into motivating others. Remember these three words: Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose and then take a few minutes to watch this–you will go away enriched and motivated to find your highest levels of creative thought and work. Click on this link to view the short video:

How many conversations in meetings, emails, face to face and blogs do we come upon in a day—do you feel certain that you are communicating powerfully and successfully?  Too often, we get caught using language that does not sound powerful or effective. Language like, “I should, could, have to, etc.” which communicates more of an “external locus of control.” That is, your response or thinking is based more on what you think others want you to do. This language is more reactive, less powerful and often does not result in what we intended.

Language that is far more effective and concise consists of words like, “I prefer, or plan to, or want to, or have a passion for…” which lets the listener know that you are speaking from more of an “internal locus of control.”  Meaning, you are responding in a well thought out manner that is more receptive and focused – based on your deliberate thinking and experiences.

I owe this valuable teaching to my colleague and friend, Dave Ellis, a Master Coach, workshop leader and author.  In fact, this teaching is so powerful that I use it quite a bit in my coaching practice when describing ways that leaders can develop healthier communication and encourage and teach this in their work places.

This graphic that Dave developed shows that when we get stuck in “obligation” we speak with “victim language” (an external locus of control), e.g., “they made me, I should, I must, etc.”  However, if you can think of  climbing the ladder, or as we use more “assertive language” (an internal locus of control) we use language using words like: “Is it possible, I prefer, We have a passion for…, We plan to…, I promise…”

The next time you find yourself speaking and using  “must, should, ought to, need to” question whether your thinking is “stuck in victim mud.”  Ask yourself how you might climb the “ladder of effective speaking” by questioning what you want, prefer or what is even possible that might move you to a sense of personal empowerment regarding your wishes, desires, dreams and plans. And, cause your communication to be more effective, meaningful and powerful.

Reference:

Ellis, Dave.  Falling Awake.

Ellis, Dave & Lankowitz, Stan. Human Being.

LISTENING SKILLS

1. The Disarming Technique – You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair.

2. Empathy- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through their eyes.

• Thought empathy: You paraphrase the other person’s words

• Feeling empathy: You acknowledge how he or she is probably feeling.

3. Inquiry: You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

SELF-EXPRESSION SKILLS

4. I “feel” statements: Shift to “I feel”, e.g. “I feel confused by this…”  rather than “you” statements. i.e. “you’re wrong” or “You make me furious!”

5. Stroking: You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person even in the heat of battle. You convey an attitude of respect, even though you may feel very angry with the other person.

*Copyright © 1991 by David D. Burns, MD. Revised, 1992.

We all can understand the concept of personal space, e.g., someone moving too close to us and then we feel the need to back up to “get our space back.”  We also have “psychological boundaries” that need to be respected.  Sometimes, with some people, those boundaries are violated.

Boundaries are imaginary lines that keep other people’s actions and behaviors out.  Anything that causes you to get annoyed or upset is a crossed boundary.

Example:  If you have a swimming pool in your backyard without a fence around it, you might have all kinds of unwelcome guests splashing around in it.  When a sturdy fence is in place, what happens? People have to ask permission to jump in; they have to be invited.  You are the pool, the fence is your boundary.  In simple form a boundary is the word, “No.”

Boundaries need to be put in place to keep any damaging influences out of your way.  Those influences may be circumstances you created or that someone else, through their actions, has created for you.  These negative influences, can seem small at first, but, over time, can build up to cause difficulties in everyday interactions.

Interpersonal boundaries are invisible.  You have to communicate them to be known. If other people can’t comply, you may have to make an effort to avoid them altogether.  For example, co-workers making remarks about your weight or getting personal phone calls from a family member at work…a response, clearly and respectfully setting a boundary may be:  “It’s not O.K. that you comment on my weight.  I’d like you to stop.”  Or, “I have decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done.  I will call you later.”

Take away: Put your boundaries in place:

1. Stop people just as they are doing something that violates your boundary.
2. Tell them what they are doing.
3. Request that they stop.
4. Instruct them about the change that you need to see.
5. Thank them for making the change.

If they are not cooperative, add 6 or 7:

6. Demand that they stop.

7. Walk away without a fight.

The bottom line is that “they” are not doing anything to you that you are not allowing them to do.

Resources:

Take Yourself to the Top, Laura Berman Fortgang, 1998, Warner Books.

Jahad-ad-din Rumi (Persian poet 1207-1273)

Getting Happier at Work

Remember when you were a little kid and you would dream about who you wanted to BE when you grew up?   Just the thought of independently communicating your power at a job where you expressed your talents, strengths and interest…felt, well it felt grown up.

Then you grew up.  Keeping the enthusiasm, interest and passion alive for your work can be a challenge. Think about how much time we spend at work.  Today, with lean teaming and downsizing, people often spend more than 8 hours a day in the workplace.  Why not reconnect with that early enthusiasm that drove you to consider expressing your gifts, your sense of contributing to the world and making a difference?

First, identify your strengths and then find ways to use them and develop them at your job.  A previous blog I wrote (October, 2009) directs you to a website: www.authentichappiness.com where you can take a short test (the VIA Strengths Survey) that identifies your top 5 strengths.   Consider exploring ways to express those strengths at your job. For example, if “Love of Learning” is a strength of yours, then you might organize a “lunch and learn” for co-workers in the workplace.

A second way that can move you toward happier times in the workplace is to notice how often you give into negative thinking at work. Many times this is  fueled by unhappy co-workers.  Walking away is one answer to this type scenario… as my colleague Dave Ellis says, “That’s why we have feet.” However, it is harder to walk away when those thoughts stay in your own mind.    When you notice those “grumpy” thoughts, instead of entertaining them,  consider the alternative of letting them go.  The more energy you put into these thoughts, the more you’re apt to go down the negative spiral, which brings your energy down, and your thoughts following.  Or, to ask yourself, “What do I want to change about this situation?”  Then move into productive action and become a part of the answer instead of continuing the complaint.  We know we work best when we are in a good mood, which means shifting those thought towards being grateful, appreciative and glad to be working and contributing.

The next time you find yourself feeling unhappy at work—try asking yourself  what is right and good about your work?  In my work as a professional coach and psychologist, I have the opportunity to talk to people who are successful by societal standards- having prestige and great paying jobs; as well as people who are working in low-income jobs.  Both types of people tell me they are sometimes happy at work and sometimes not – what makes a difference is how they practice being happy where they are. They begin to learn more, grow more and then often find more opportunities coming their way as well.  Researchers are learning that, regardless of your work, when you practice positive emotion in the workplace, you increase your problem solving capacities, bring more meaning to your workday and build resiliency- all important factors in developing happiness.

Take away: If you want to be happier at work, start with how you are being at work:  exercise your strengths and express more positive emotion in your present job.  Perhaps you might find that uplifting and empowering feeling you had once when you dreamed of what you would be when you grew up.  Wasn’t happiness a part of that dream?

Resources:

Fredrickson, B.L. & Losada, M.F. (2005). Positive affect and the complex dynamics of human flourishing. American Psychologist, 60(7), 678-686.

Colan, L.J. (2004). Passionate Performance. Dallas, TX: CornerStone Leadership Institute.

Lynn D. Johnson. Happiness:  Create the Perfect Job.  2008 – 801.261.1412.