Lead with your Best!
Lead with your Best!
Save the Date:
Friday, April 8 – Saturday, April 9, 2011
St. Emma’s Monastery
Greensburg, PA
Retreat facilitated by Rosemarie Perla, Executive Coach and Consultant
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
—Steve Jobs, Co-Founder of Apple Computers
Purpose of retreat: To give the business professional time out to consider vision and values related to their work life; to design how they want to continue contributing in their careers and in their communities.
When: Friday, April 8, 2011 starting at 1 PM to Saturday, April 9, 2011 ending at 5 PM.
Where: St. Emma’s Monastery, 1001 Harvey Ave., Greensburg, PA (approximately 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh, PA)
Who: Business Professionals wanting to develop strategies for integrating personal strengths with their leadership skills and presence.
Cost $275.00 (registered by March 18, 2011) includes room, most meals and retreat materials, $300.00 (after March 18, 2011)
Retreat held in Monastery Guest House. First 10 registrants are guaranteed a room with private bath. All other registrants will have private room with shared bath.
For more information, or to pre-register – Call or email Rosemarie Perla at the Perla Group – Coaching and Consulting: Rosemarie@PerlaGroup.com or 412.621.7996. Details to follow. WWW.PerlaGroup.com
“The desire to do something because you find it deeply satisfying and personally challenging inspires the highest levels of creativity, whether it’s in the arts, sciences, or business”
Theresa Amabile Professor, Harvard University
Daniel Pink challenges and inspires in this visually brilliant video as he teaches us how to reconsider what motivates ourselves and ways to breath life into motivating others. Remember these three words: Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose and then take a few minutes to watch this–you will go away enriched and motivated to find your highest levels of creative thought and work. Click on this link to view the short video:
Speaking in a manner that is concise, energetic and clearly communicates ones requests, information and desires is refreshing and important in our information-cluttered age. As one teacher said, “So many ways of communicating and what ARE WE communicating?”
How many conversations in meetings, emails, face to face and blogs do we come upon in a day—do you feel certain that you are communicating powerfully and successfully? Too often, we get caught using language that does not sound powerful or effective. Language like, “I should, could, have to, etc.” which communicates more of an “external locus of control.” That is, your response or thinking is based more on what you think others want you to do. This language is more reactive, less powerful and often does not result in what we intended.
Language that is far more effective and concise consists of words like, “I prefer, or plan to, or want to, or have a passion for…” which lets the listener know that you are speaking from more of an “internal locus of control.” Meaning, you are responding in a well thought out manner that is more receptive and focused – based on your deliberate thinking and experiences.
I owe this valuable teaching to my colleague and friend, Dave Ellis, a Master Coach, workshop leader and author. In fact, this teaching is so powerful that I use it quite a bit in my coaching practice when describing ways that leaders can develop healthier communication and encourage and teach this in their work places.
This graphic that Dave developed shows that when we get stuck in “obligation” we speak with “victim language” (an external locus of control), e.g., “they made me, I should, I must, etc.” However, if you can think of climbing the ladder, or as we use more “assertive language” (an internal locus of control) we use language using words like: “Is it possible, I prefer, We have a passion for…, We plan to…, I promise…”
The next time you find yourself speaking and using “must, should, ought to, need to” question whether your thinking is “stuck in victim mud.” Ask yourself how you might climb the “ladder of effective speaking” by questioning what you want, prefer or what is even possible that might move you to a sense of personal empowerment regarding your wishes, desires, dreams and plans. And, cause your communication to be more effective, meaningful and powerful.
Reference:
Ellis, Dave. Falling Awake.
Ellis, Dave & Lankowitz, Stan. Human Being.
David Burns, MD has contributed many books to our understanding of how our thoughts and feelings can be managed to change our moods. His method for effectively communicating is excellent especially in situations that are difficult, “heated” or in conflictual conversations in the work place – or at home. The key here is to use a method below which you can genuinely express. If it seems inauthentic to the listener, it is not effective. Practice!
LISTENING SKILLS
1. The Disarming Technique – You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair.
2. Empathy- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through their eyes.
3. Inquiry: You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.
SELF-EXPRESSION SKILLS
4. I “feel” statements: Shift to “I feel”, e.g. “I feel confused by this…” rather than “you” statements. i.e. “you’re wrong” or “You make me furious!”
5. Stroking: You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person even in the heat of battle. You convey an attitude of respect, even though you may feel very angry with the other person.
*Copyright © 1991 by David D. Burns, MD. Revised, 1992.
“Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do”
Jahad-ad-din Rumi (Persian poet 1207-1273)
Getting Happier at Work
Remember when you were a little kid and you would dream about who you wanted to BE when you grew up? Just the thought of independently communicating your power at a job where you expressed your talents, strengths and interest…felt, well it felt grown up.
Then you grew up. Keeping the enthusiasm, interest and passion alive for your work can be a challenge. Think about how much time we spend at work. Today, with lean teaming and downsizing, people often spend more than 8 hours a day in the workplace. Why not reconnect with that early enthusiasm that drove you to consider expressing your gifts, your sense of contributing to the world and making a difference?
First, identify your strengths and then find ways to use them and develop them at your job. A previous blog I wrote (October, 2009) directs you to a website: www.authentichappiness.com where you can take a short test (the VIA Strengths Survey) that identifies your top 5 strengths. Consider exploring ways to express those strengths at your job. For example, if “Love of Learning” is a strength of yours, then you might organize a “lunch and learn” for co-workers in the workplace.
A second way that can move you toward happier times in the workplace is to notice how often you give into negative thinking at work. Many times this is fueled by unhappy co-workers. Walking away is one answer to this type scenario… as my colleague Dave Ellis says, “That’s why we have feet.” However, it is harder to walk away when those thoughts stay in your own mind. When you notice those “grumpy” thoughts, instead of entertaining them, consider the alternative of letting them go. The more energy you put into these thoughts, the more you’re apt to go down the negative spiral, which brings your energy down, and your thoughts following. Or, to ask yourself, “What do I want to change about this situation?” Then move into productive action and become a part of the answer instead of continuing the complaint. We know we work best when we are in a good mood, which means shifting those thought towards being grateful, appreciative and glad to be working and contributing.
The next time you find yourself feeling unhappy at work—try asking yourself what is right and good about your work? In my work as a professional coach and psychologist, I have the opportunity to talk to people who are successful by societal standards- having prestige and great paying jobs; as well as people who are working in low-income jobs. Both types of people tell me they are sometimes happy at work and sometimes not – what makes a difference is how they practice being happy where they are. They begin to learn more, grow more and then often find more opportunities coming their way as well. Researchers are learning that, regardless of your work, when you practice positive emotion in the workplace, you increase your problem solving capacities, bring more meaning to your workday and build resiliency- all important factors in developing happiness.
Perl: If you want to be happier at work, start with how you are being at work: exercise your strengths and express more positive emotion in your present job. Perhaps you might find that uplifting and empowering feeling you had once when you dreamed of what you would be when you grew up. Wasn’t happiness a part of that dream?
Resources:
Fredrickson, B.L. & Losada, M.F. (2005). Positive affect and the complex dynamics of human flourishing. American Psychologist, 60(7), 678-686.
Colan, L.J. (2004). Passionate Performance. Dallas, TX: CornerStone Leadership Institute.
Lynn D. Johnson. Happiness: Create the Perfect Job. 2008 – 801.261.1412.
“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”
-Indira Gandhi
This is the title of a workshop that I frequently give when asked to speak to a group of people within a business or organization. Why? Because each and every day we are all faced with challenging people and difficult work situations. Keeping our sense of purpose, intent and clear communication skills are all points to remember in such situations.
A review:
Perl: Practice clear communication skills when dealing with a difficult person or situation. Think of the word - STABEN when communicating:
S= Go to the source. Avoid talking to those who are NOT part of the issue (unless it is to get clarity, gain insight or support). Communicate directly with the person with whom you are having difficulty.
T= Time and Place. Pick a private and safe place that is comfortable for all parties.
A=Amicable. Present an amicable approach. Smile. Start the conversation with a compliment or, empathize with the person, see the world through their eyes.
B=Objective Behavior. Start with describing the behavior as an objective phenomena-just the facts. “When you did not introduce me at the meeting…” or “Yesterday at 5:00pm you asked to borrow the files and as of today they are not returned…”
E=Emotion. State clearly your emotion as a result of the behavior. “I became angry and confused…” “I was disappointed…” Use “I” communication.
N=Need. State clearly what your need, desire or request. “I am requesting that you introduce me at the meetings as your associate. “ Or “I need to have the files returned to my desk by 3:00 PM this afternoon.”
Finally, attempt to create or discover a common purpose or a way that they two of you can work together to achieve the same goal. If no common purpose can be found, sometimes it is best to walk away. Accept the person as they are.
Perl: In any difficult situation or in a conversation with a difficult person, maintaining inner balance and managing your stress is most crucial. Practice the STABEN method, a good communication tool no matter with whom you are communicating. Get some distance and, remember-don’t take anything personally!
Resources:
Servan-Schreiber, David. The Instinct to Heal. Rodale Press, 2004.
Rosenberg, Marshall. Non-violent Communication, Puddler Dancer Press, 1999.
