Lead with your Best!
Lead with your Best!
Save the Date:
Friday, April 8 – Saturday, April 9, 2011
St. Emma’s Monastery
Greensburg, PA
Retreat facilitated by Rosemarie Perla, Executive Coach and Consultant
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
—Steve Jobs, Co-Founder of Apple Computers
Purpose of retreat: To give the business professional time out to consider vision and values related to their work life; to design how they want to continue contributing in their careers and in their communities.
When: Friday, April 8, 2011 starting at 1 PM to Saturday, April 9, 2011 ending at 5 PM.
Where: St. Emma’s Monastery, 1001 Harvey Ave., Greensburg, PA (approximately 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh, PA)
Who: Business Professionals wanting to develop strategies for integrating personal strengths with their leadership skills and presence.
Cost $275.00 (registered by March 18, 2011) includes room, most meals and retreat materials, $300.00 (after March 18, 2011)
Retreat held in Monastery Guest House. First 10 registrants are guaranteed a room with private bath. All other registrants will have private room with shared bath.
For more information, or to pre-register – Call or email Rosemarie Perla at the Perla Group – Coaching and Consulting: Rosemarie@PerlaGroup.com or 412.621.7996. Details to follow. WWW.PerlaGroup.com
Speaking in a manner that is concise, energetic and clearly communicates ones requests, information and desires is refreshing and important in our information-cluttered age. As one teacher said, “So many ways of communicating and what ARE WE communicating?”
How many conversations in meetings, emails, face to face and blogs do we come upon in a day—do you feel certain that you are communicating powerfully and successfully? Too often, we get caught using language that does not sound powerful or effective. Language like, “I should, could, have to, etc.” which communicates more of an “external locus of control.” That is, your response or thinking is based more on what you think others want you to do. This language is more reactive, less powerful and often does not result in what we intended.
Language that is far more effective and concise consists of words like, “I prefer, or plan to, or want to, or have a passion for…” which lets the listener know that you are speaking from more of an “internal locus of control.” Meaning, you are responding in a well thought out manner that is more receptive and focused – based on your deliberate thinking and experiences.
I owe this valuable teaching to my colleague and friend, Dave Ellis, a Master Coach, workshop leader and author. In fact, this teaching is so powerful that I use it quite a bit in my coaching practice when describing ways that leaders can develop healthier communication and encourage and teach this in their work places.
This graphic that Dave developed shows that when we get stuck in “obligation” we speak with “victim language” (an external locus of control), e.g., “they made me, I should, I must, etc.” However, if you can think of climbing the ladder, or as we use more “assertive language” (an internal locus of control) we use language using words like: “Is it possible, I prefer, We have a passion for…, We plan to…, I promise…”
The next time you find yourself speaking and using “must, should, ought to, need to” question whether your thinking is “stuck in victim mud.” Ask yourself how you might climb the “ladder of effective speaking” by questioning what you want, prefer or what is even possible that might move you to a sense of personal empowerment regarding your wishes, desires, dreams and plans. And, cause your communication to be more effective, meaningful and powerful.
Reference:
Ellis, Dave. Falling Awake.
Ellis, Dave & Lankowitz, Stan. Human Being.
David Burns, MD has contributed many books to our understanding of how our thoughts and feelings can be managed to change our moods. His method for effectively communicating is excellent especially in situations that are difficult, “heated” or in conflictual conversations in the work place – or at home. The key here is to use a method below which you can genuinely express. If it seems inauthentic to the listener, it is not effective. Practice!
LISTENING SKILLS
1. The Disarming Technique – You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair.
2. Empathy- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through their eyes.
3. Inquiry: You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.
SELF-EXPRESSION SKILLS
4. I “feel” statements: Shift to “I feel”, e.g. “I feel confused by this…” rather than “you” statements. i.e. “you’re wrong” or “You make me furious!”
5. Stroking: You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person even in the heat of battle. You convey an attitude of respect, even though you may feel very angry with the other person.
*Copyright © 1991 by David D. Burns, MD. Revised, 1992.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
We all can understand the concept of personal space, e.g., someone moving too close to us and then we feel the need to back up to “get our space back.” We also have “psychological boundaries” that need to be respected. Sometimes, with some people, those boundaries are violated.
Boundaries are imaginary lines that keep other people’s actions and behaviors out. Anything that causes you to get annoyed or upset is a crossed boundary.
Example: If you have a swimming pool in your backyard without a fence around it, you might have all kinds of unwelcome guests splashing around in it. When a sturdy fence is in place, what happens? People have to ask permission to jump in; they have to be invited. You are the pool, the fence is your boundary. In simple form a boundary is the word, “No.”
Boundaries need to be put in place to keep any damaging influences out of your way. Those influences may be circumstances you created or that someone else, through their actions, has created for you. These negative influences, can seem small at first, but, over time, can build up to cause difficulties in everyday interactions.
Interpersonal boundaries are invisible. You have to communicate them to be known. If other people can’t comply, you may have to make an effort to avoid them altogether. For example, co-workers making remarks about your weight or getting personal phone calls from a family member at work…a response, clearly and respectfully setting a boundary may be: “It’s not O.K. that you comment on my weight. I’d like you to stop.” Or, “I have decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will call you later.”
Perl: Put your boundaries in place:
If they are not cooperative, add 6 or 7:
6. Demand that they stop.
7. Walk away without a fight.
The bottom line is that “they” are not doing anything to you that you are not allowing them to do.
Resources:
Take Yourself to the Top, Laura Berman Fortgang, 1998, Warner Books.
“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”
-Eric Hoffer
The holiday card that the Perla Group sent out this year states:
During this season of gratitude and celebration,
we acknowledge those who have made our
success possible. In this spirit, we say thank you.
May peace be with you and yours
in this coming year, as well as a prayer for our world.
Gratitude: Expressing Thanks
Yes, indeed it is the season of celebration: Celebrating the past year, our successes and accomplishments, what we cherish and hold dear—what gives meaning to our lives. Not only acknowledging these successes is key, however, taking time to express thanks is most crucial.
Who has not seen the movie, “White Christmas” with Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney and (my favorite) Danny Kaye? It is one elaborate production of song and dance and GRATITUDE. The two army buddies take time from their holiday gigs to remember a general who lead them during their wartime experiences and who inspired them to move through life with courage and grace. You may not go through the bother of renting a Vermont Inn to express thanks and gratitude to someone this season, however, think about taking time to formally express thanks to someone who you appreciate.
Research in positive psychology is demonstrating that the habitually grateful among us are happier than those who are not. Now there is a reason to express gratitude each day: you might wind up feeling and being a happier person.
What workplace would not be lighter and happier if colleagues formally expressed thanks for a job well done or for a gesture of kindness? I can still remember a memo that a colleague of mine wrote back in 1984 to my superior commenting on how my service to the hospital unit was a valuable asset to his staff. Completely unsolicited, and yet, it added incredible support and encouragement to my sense of professional esteem. A gesture I treasure and still remember to this day.
Perl: One of the most powerful positive psychology exercises is the Gratitude Letter. This exercise asks you to think of someone, parents, teachers, employers, teammates, etc., who have been kind to you but who never heard you express your gratitude. Write a letter of gratitude, describing in concrete terms why you are grateful. Delivering the letter in person and having the person read the letter in your presence delivers the most powerful experience. Mailing or faxing the letter and following it up with a phone call can be an alternative and as moving. Expressing your gratitude in words and actions not only boosts your own positive emotion but those of the recipient as well. In this process, we not only reinforce their kindness but also positively strengthen the bond of the relationship.
Resources:
McCullough, M.E., Kilpatrick, S.D., Emmons, R.A. & Larson, D.B. “Gratitude as moral affect.” Psychological Bulletin, 127, 249-266.
Peterson, Christopher. A Primer in Positive Psychology. Oxford University Press, 2006.
Selgman, Martin. Authentic Happiness. Free Press, 2002.
“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”
-Indira Gandhi
This is the title of a workshop that I frequently give when asked to speak to a group of people within a business or organization. Why? Because each and every day we are all faced with challenging people and difficult work situations. Keeping our sense of purpose, intent and clear communication skills are all points to remember in such situations.
A review:
Perl: Practice clear communication skills when dealing with a difficult person or situation. Think of the word - STABEN when communicating:
S= Go to the source. Avoid talking to those who are NOT part of the issue (unless it is to get clarity, gain insight or support). Communicate directly with the person with whom you are having difficulty.
T= Time and Place. Pick a private and safe place that is comfortable for all parties.
A=Amicable. Present an amicable approach. Smile. Start the conversation with a compliment or, empathize with the person, see the world through their eyes.
B=Objective Behavior. Start with describing the behavior as an objective phenomena-just the facts. “When you did not introduce me at the meeting…” or “Yesterday at 5:00pm you asked to borrow the files and as of today they are not returned…”
E=Emotion. State clearly your emotion as a result of the behavior. “I became angry and confused…” “I was disappointed…” Use “I” communication.
N=Need. State clearly what your need, desire or request. “I am requesting that you introduce me at the meetings as your associate. “ Or “I need to have the files returned to my desk by 3:00 PM this afternoon.”
Finally, attempt to create or discover a common purpose or a way that they two of you can work together to achieve the same goal. If no common purpose can be found, sometimes it is best to walk away. Accept the person as they are.
Perl: In any difficult situation or in a conversation with a difficult person, maintaining inner balance and managing your stress is most crucial. Practice the STABEN method, a good communication tool no matter with whom you are communicating. Get some distance and, remember-don’t take anything personally!
Resources:
Servan-Schreiber, David. The Instinct to Heal. Rodale Press, 2004.
Rosenberg, Marshall. Non-violent Communication, Puddler Dancer Press, 1999.
